Integrated Emotion
Conrad Ho (Hong Kong, China)
Apr.4, 2013
At about 20:00 on 2 April 2013, I had just taken a delicious seafood meal with my wife, Amy Choi, in a breezy seaside piazza on an island called Cheung Chau in Hong Kong. This was a holiday that we had scheduled a year ago. At first, we planned to go swimming, diving and sun-bathing with my children on an island of Thailand, such as Koh Samui or Phuket. However my elder son, Yu Yat, suddenly said that he wanted to go tomb sweeping in our hometown in China during Ching Ming Festival, and my other son, Yu Sum, unexpectedly also agreed. How could I refuse when they have such filial piety? Their original plan was to sleep in grandpa’s home this night, then took the early morning ferry on 3 April. Therefore, my wife and I changed our plan and went to Cheung Chau on 2 April, and would be back the next day.
At 09:00 on 2 April, we first went to take Yu Sum’s new identity card in the Immigration Department at the last minute for him to be able to leave Hong Kong; went back to our office to handle necessary tasks; and delegate various businesses to my staff to follow up, so that we could leave everything behind to relax on the island. That morning, I hurried to finish work for a whole day within half a day according to plan. Just when we were leaving the office after 12:00, the internet phone rang, and again Amy had to spend one more hour to deal with a sudden event in the Executive Board of International Kinesiology College. After finishing a simple meal, we took the Cheung Chau ferry at Central. It was 16:00 when we finally could lie down in the hotel room. A short nap recharged us. We went up the peak on the North Island, enjoying the sunset and sea breeze in a drizzle. We also took a photo of Cheung Chau Village in mist contrasted against a backdrop of overhanging red clouds in a clear sky. It was already 19:00 when we were back in the village, and so it was time to have dinner.
Coincidentally, Amy called our sons to see whether they were doing things as planned. It was great that they were on schedule. My wife asked Yu Yat, “let’s do a final check! See whether you have put your identity card, mobile phone, Hong Kong dollar and Renminbi in your backpack”. Through the mobile phone came the voice of Yu Yat in panic, “Oh! where is my identity card? I should have put it in my wallet. Mom, I know! It is still in your locked drawer! What should I do now?” In shock, my wife stared at me with round eyes and also asked, “what should I do now?”
What a flush of all kinds of emotions in that moment! Like a tsunami. There were fear, worry, anger, disappointment, loss, inner conflicts, depression, etc. I snatched the mobile phone. Even before I could put it on my face, words of blame, complain and criticism just flowed freely from my mouth. After a minute of continuous scolding, I stopped to catch a breath, instinctively getting ready for the next round. However, in the background, a sense of something wrong quietly emerged. I had decided to stay in constructive thinkings, feelings, speech and behaviours; at any time, in any place, toward any people, while doing anything; no matter what the result would be. I paused to collect myself, and asked Yu Yat again what should he do. In controlled sobbing, he replied: “I don’t know!” I said, “Fine! Allow yourself to cry out loud. I will talk to you later”.
After paying for the dinner, I could not help but yelled out amongst all the people who were happy eating and talking, suddenly becoming the focus of the entire piazza. I walked with my wife to the hotel, still very angry that the holiday which we had planned for a whole year went to pieces just like that. I took my backpack from the hotel, and went to the pier for that 2.5-hour journey back home to take Yu Yat’s identity card from the locked drawer. My wife would stay on for the rest of the holiday in Cheung Chau.
When I got on the ferry, I called Yu Yat again. It was only about 10+ minutes from the last call. I thought that I would blame him again and he would still be emotional. Miraculously, I had automatically calmed down and guided him to prepare his luggage as normal, so that he could immediately go to grandpa’s home after getting his identity card. At the same time, Yu Yat had also got back his composure, and could deliberate any needs during the hometown journey to prevent any more mistakes. We both had returned to positive thinking automatically and promptly after naturally experiencing wild fluctuations in emotions! When I was driving them to grandpa’s home, Yu Yat seemed to be alright already. He started joking around with his younger brother and challenged me with IQ questions.
After all these, I went back home, just to find none was there except myself. Such solitude was so rare. I lied in bed, re-running the whole chain of events in my mind, marveling – so, that was the meaning of integrated emotions.
