Kids Don’t Learn from Parents – They Only Copy Them
Conrad Ho
It was a day break in early June. A short shower came amidst strong winds. It felt expansive in the chest looking through clear air at the distant hills. Yu Yat and Yu Sum rose before 7 a.m. They were ready for solid breakfast after washing their faces and taking their milk. The maid brought barbecue pork buns and dim sum of various sorts that she had purchased early this morning from a nearby dim sum restaurant. These were their favourites and it should be a happy fesat. However, it turned out to be an utterly unnecessary fighting scene.
It all began when Sum laid down his fork and used his bare hands to grab food. He left bits and pieces all over the place. Yat was annoyed and groaned. The younger brother had plunged into the feast and his comments went unnoticed. Yat gradually raised his voice till finally, Sum heard that he was being scolded at. He yelled a loud “no!”, stared furiously at the elder brother and banged heavily on the table. Yat did exactly the same in retaliation. Sum stood on his high chair to flew onto Yat to fight.
This kind of incident was not a rare scene in this household and our handling method nearly became automatic. Amy and myself pulled them off, talked with them one-on-one, had their faces and hands washed, and put them back to the table to eat. But then, I noticed I was chewing and swallowing without tasting. My mind was wondering how they had learnt to yell and bang on the table to express anger. How come they were so fluent at it? I feared they might have deep anger at these young ages.
We embarked on an enquiry project, really observing closely their words and deeds. Soon, we bumped into surprises. I discovered that the loud “no!” was how their mother refused. She always used “no!” in various situations, just varying the tone. And Amy told me I used to bang on the table hard and stared fiercely when I was really angry. The boys were replicating their parents’ behavioural patterns. Their behaviours we noticed recently had been rehearsed again and again in their minds for months, maybe even years. In this angle, I had to complement that they had done really a good job in modeling us to the minute details. The way the nose tip was raised and the tone of saying “no!” Absolutely the same as the mom’s.
I learnt some Confucian teachings when I was young. They seemed to be too old-fashioned at the time. Now, it makes some contemporary sense to me. Confucius said the most effective teaching method was to demonstrate the lesson in person. He told us to change the world by changing ourselves first. Though we may tell the kids not to yell and bang, if we keep on doing that, we do not think our words will yield any respectable result. He also taught us to be careful about our words and deeds even in solitude. Of course, the kids are always watching. You are never sure if you are really alone.