Allow Your Kids to Be Themselves
Conrad Ho
It was a warm night in early July 2003. The new moon was seizing every chance to show off its smiling face in between black clouds. Amy and I were attending a workshop on play therapy with Lago, experiencing how to play with kids by allowing him to be himself and let him grow freely. I thought I was doing a good job in this respect, but Lago taught me a precious lesson.
In one of the games, we were told to draw a picture on a self-chosen theme and to give a short presentation on the work in front of the group. We acted in a concerted effort, and drew a picture called “trains”. As I listened to the kids before us, I grew increasingly worried about Lago’s ability to do the same. I thought he was too shy and clumsy to talk in front of everybody.
The play therapist was really patient. Every time a parent told the kid he was not good enough, the therapist would casually remark: “Let your kid do things of their own choice. We’re just playing. No need to be so serious and pressurizing.” In the workshop, there were about 25 families and he repeated this remark in different wordings minimum 20 times. When Lago was about to take his turn, I whispered to Amy, “He won’t make it. It’d better if you speak on his behalf.” She just said, “We’ll see!”
The therapist finally went to Lago. He took the microphone in an assured manner and talked fluently and clearly. His unexpected feat threw my mouth wide open. Amy laughed and said, “Look! Though you haven’t said so, you have looked down upon your son. It’s still pressure and therefore, you’re still guilty!” The message was delivered as a joke, but the truth in it carried the same mass regardless.
I read a story on the internet about a university student fallen into a coma after an accident at 19 years of age. His girlfriend kept visiting him regularly for a whole year despite that he showed no sign of progress. It was his mother who became impatient. Fearing the girl would wait in vain, she convinced her to let go. At the end of her last visit, the girl still begged his mother to inform her if anything would happen. Another year passed and he miraculously “resurrected”. Due to his stiff muscles and awkward movements, the young man had to stay in a wheel chair and got a job as a counter salesman in a photo shop.
The girl returned to him. Again, it was the mother who feared that this kind of relationship would not last long. She thought her son would just be a burden to the girl and again, persuaded her to go. After her departure, the young man grew increasingly dispirited. Seven years after he came out of coma, he killed himself. An invitation card from a friend to attend the birthday party of the latter’s first-born was unbearable to him. He thought he could never have his own wife and children in this life.
There was a conclusion at the end of the article: “No matter what the reason was, love or ignorance, the mother did not see her son’s wish and achievement, i.e. coming out of a coma. She just saw limitations in him, thereby imposing limitations upon him. Teach your kids hope and they will never be in despair.” Allow us to add another comment: let your kids be themselves.