An Enabling Strategy to Teach Kids

Conrad Ho

Lago loved brushing his teeth when he was an infant. It was a game to him. When he was about two, however, there was an unexpected 180o sharp turn in behaviour, despite our every effort to prompt him into doing it. In the beginning, our measures were to scold, punish and stare at him. Such behavioural terrorism did not work. Though he did open his mouth, his body language told us his spirit was off somewhere else in avoidance. In the second stage, we used “carrot” rather than “stick”. “After brushing teeth, you may wear your favourite train pajamas for tonight.” Experienced parents know that kids soon learn to escalate their demands. One night, Lago would ask for company in bed. Another night, it was candies or half an hour more of TV programmes.

In the third stage, we used different stories of the same theme. “Once upon a time, there was Whitie the Rabbit. He was proud of his white teeth. For the whole day, he would show off his front teeth, which were especially large and white. He loved his teeth so much that he would not brush them, fearing that they would be scratched. So, his teeth slowly grew yellowish, covered in stains and finally, tiny worms appeared. It hurt so much. Lago, do you want to have cavities?” This worked. He learnt to ask if brushing teeth before bed will stop worms from growing. After hearing my serious “yes”, he would run to the basin.

This sounded great. The kid did it willingly. But after a week or two, he started asking, “Daddy, is there any worm in my teeth?”; and then, “Daddy, how come worms get into my mouth?” He was apparently worried. I decided to do something before he begged, “Daddy, get the worms out!” I would joyfully brush my teeth in front of him, enjoying it as a game; or I would check his mouth and nodded in satisfaction. Such metaphorical stories are double-edged. Being told too good will become too bad because the kid will sink deep into white terror. Verbal terrorism can even be worse.

Two months ago, I slowly entered into the fourth stage. I analyzed the situation and let Lago decide by himself. “Daddy, I’m not brushing my teeth!” “As you said, but why?” “I’m afraid!” “I’ll brush more gently. If you don’t let me, your mouth smells and the saliva tastes bad. What’s more? Daddy only brings kids out to play when they behave. Do you want to go out on Sunday?” Lago would usually cooperate when given such kind of choices.

This week, it suddenly occurred to me that this was only training Lago to maximize his well-being given the EXTERNAL constraints. I went to my experiments again. On one hand, I did my best and let Lago role-model me. On the other, I acted as a “mirror”, reflecting his deeds to him. “Lago, you’re brushing your teeth! You looked happy about it.” “Lago, you’re taking care of Yu Sum! I feel your joy in it.” “Lago, you’re playing hard to draw! Is this a train? That must be the sun!” Release the authority to reward and punish back into the kid’s hands. Let him choose his own developmental path. 