Experience and Feeling in Balancing (Second Half)

A female student in Mainland China. August, 2014
(For the first half of the story, please read Brain Body Newsletter August 2014 issue)

The moment I had set the goal, my mind was suddenly relaxed, forgetting the physical pain brought about by delivery. I began to search for my son. Where was he at the moment? How was he? Conrad told my son that his mother had been given anaesthetic, and could not help him. He had to come to this world on his own strength. Conrad told my son: as a baby, he had to use his head to get out of the womb and birth canal slowly and painstakingly. Watching this, I was touched deep down inside and my heart ached for my child.

When my child finally got through, lying on the ground exhausted, Conrad asked me to sit up slowly. When I sat up, the black cloud that seemed to be covering my forehead started to clear away gradually. Conrad told me that when I was ready, I could touch my child in a way joyful to me. I could not think of any special way. I just hugged him tightly to express my strong emotion until he said,”Mum, please relax. I can hardly breathe.” I continued to hug him for a long tim. In that moment, I truly welcomed the arrival of my child happily! And then, Conrad asked my son to go into the bathroom, to a happy. When I was ready, I would ask him to come out. This time, I again welcomed him with an emotional hug. My tears rolled down my face.

After that, Conrad told my son,”This time, no one would welcome you. You have to come to this world joyfully on your own. This is also your goal, right?” My son stayed in the bathroom for a long time and came out with a relaxed smile on his face. I tried hard to control my emotion and did not go hug this brave child. I saw courage and strength going back to him bit by bit. Afterwards, Conrad explained to me that he had anchored an idea in the mind of my son, that even if none welcomed him, he could still use his own strength to come to this world joyfully and light up the fire of his life.

I told Conrad that my son always said that he had no feeling. I wondered whether he really had no feeling, or whether he did not know how to express it. Conrad said that, he chose to take my son¡¦s words literally. At that moment, I felt as if I was punched hard, feeling heavy on the chest, and could not speak for quite some time. I wondered if my son was born with such deficiency, that he could not understand the various kinds of emotions and experiences in life? Even now, whenever I think of this question, my heart would sink to the bottom. Maybe this was why he could not write about his mental activities and feelings towards various matters. I would like to ask Conrad how I could help my son find the sense of his body and the feeling of his mind.

During the process of balancing, I noticed that my son cooperated with Conrad all along to do what was required. I noted that although he would hesitate sometimes, he would still do what Conrad asked him to do. Even though some movements might be difficult for him, he would not say he was tired. After the balanc was finished, I found that his body had become more relaxed and there was a smile on his face. When he wrote his name again, it was easier for him and his writing was prettier than before. When Conrad asked about his goal, he would say it out loud and clear: “I came to this world joyfully”. His entire person brightened up all of a sudden.

When I decided to write this article, I asked him if he was willing to write about his feelings on that day. He said there was nothing to write about. I asked him about his feeling. The answer was there was not much feeling. I decided to ask him step by step. What did he think when he heard how I described the delivery process? He said he was surprised and dared not believe it. How did he feel when he imagined himself getting out of my womb? He said he was very tired. I asked him again. When he came to this world joyfully, what was the difference between having or not having the welcome of his mother? He said there was no difference. I asked him further: Could he feel that his father and mother welcomed his arrival joyfully? He nodded. At last, he said when he wrote his name again, he felt easier and more relaxed. I further asked him if he was happy? He gave a firm nod.

Thank Conrad for asking me to write about the feeling in this balance! I spent several days to recall the memory carefully and experience the feeling deeply. I dwelt over the emotional moment in that particular morning, and could once again felt the power of love. Without the facilitation of Conrad, maybe I would not savour the emotions and sensations of my body during the balance on that day. And I definitely would not appreciate the internal changes of myself and my child brought about by the balance.

After finishing writing this article, I felt a great relief. It is good that everything is changing and my son is getting better and better. At night, he would lie by my side to talk to me and lean against me to enjoy my caress. He would then go to his own bed and fall asleep very quickly without tossing and turning as before. The most important point is that his breathing is much easier. He feels that he is more relaxed in breathing. Now, he can express his ideas clearly and can smile joyfully from deep inside. He feels that his heart is coming back to him bit by bit. I also enjoy happily the intimacy with my son, and the connection with my heart.