Buffet-Style Parenting
Conrad Ho, together with his coaches, were invited to Dalian, China, to direct the Move-to-Learn Summer Camp on 24-28 July 2010. In a lunch break, Ms. Zheng Hui one of the two organizers interviewed Conrad for a newspaper article. Below is the excerpt of it.
Zheng: Hello, Conrad! What impressions do you have from the camp up till now?
Ho: First, Dalian has a cool summer and the scenery is beautiful. Life here is comfortable. Second, I have taught in many places. The sponsoring team led by Ms. Zheng Hui is doing it with an open and accommodating heart. Third, kids here are more innocent than some from the biggest cities in China. At the same time, they are sharing with others the same trait – they obviously cannot bear losing in a game. In such a situation, they would feel despair, outburst with anger, quarrel with each other, and give up and leave their team.
Zheng: I saw the way you interacted with kids in the camp, in a temper so peaceful and in a manner so amicable, that the kids have not shown any trace of tension nor fear before you. I often observed that the kids would hang around you to chit-chat, holding onto your hands, even hugging you. You are just like a kind father, as opposed to other programmes in China that stress strictness in codes and hardships in training. What is the educational theory behind the design?
Ho: I have designed this camp in the concept of (what I have called) “Buffet-Style Parenting”. In it, the teachers fulfill their responsibility (like the chef in a buffet) of “cooking” the teaching materials into delicious “dishes” and present them in a safe way and in a comfortable environment on the table. The learner also does what they should – picking what are the most helpful to them, in their most appropriate time, in their most appropriate way, and “eat” them, in an amount that is most appropriate, not too much nor too few. In this Buffet-Style Parenting method, I believe the best way to educate is to first let kids feel safe and emotionally light. Under this condition, the kid will open their hearts, and this is what I have called the “teachable moment? It may last only a split second, so the teacher must be always vigilant. Think ahead to formulate the right message to that particular kid in a concise sentence or two. When the teachable moment arises, just say the sentence. This act is what I have called “sowing seeds”.
Zheng: Please elaborate on this notion of “teachable moment”?
Ho: This “teachable moment” is just like a window. It opens and you may effectively and efficiently send your messages into the kid’s system. It closes and you can still force your messages through, but much less effectively and efficiently. Moreover, there are long-term costs. First, you must break the “window lock”, thereby, depriving the kid of their control over their learning channels. Possible results are having no interest in (forced) learning, short attention span (always seeking other alternatives behaviourally), and easily disturbed. Or second, you must break the “window” itself, leaving the kid without any defense line against outside forces, possibly resulting in intense concentration (simultaneously ignoring external stimuli), low security level with possible violence tendency, social withdrawal and/or aggressive attachment. When the parents would like their kids to learn independence as early as possible, please refrain from forcing them to learn what you believe is right. Assume the contents are actually right and the result can still be not good because the method of delivery is inappropriate. In the Buffet-Style Parenting method, I advocate active learning. Let the kid have control over the learning process. Learn through experience what are good and useful. When the kids feel the sweet taste of practicality, they naturally will pursue further. When this success experience accumulates up to a critical level and the kid will start to believe in themselves. Thus, the kid will automatically go for the success and achievement of their own choice.
Zheng: What is your view on the so-called reinforcement training of childhood education frequently employed here in China? Like forcing kids to piano lessons, football trainings, Chinese calligraphy drills, etc. These can be boring, and parents may use beating and scolding to compel kids into them. Like the common saying in Chinese, “iron must be beaten to become steel!”
Ho: This boils down to who the decision-maker is. Practice makes perfect. Reinforcement trainings are necessary. The only question is who decides what, how, when and to what extent to reinforce. In the Buffet-Style Parenting method, I advocate that the kid will decide. In the forced reinforcement trainings, so long as it is repeated enough times, effects will emerge. Just that much energy will have expended, driving efficiency down and at high opportunity costs. Apart from the above-mentioned long-term effects on the side of the kids, parent-child relationship may be adversely affected. In the Move-to-Learn Camp this time, the most satisfying event (to me) appeared at the end of the third day. A parent called her boy in his mobile and asked how the camp was going. He said, “these are my happiest days in my life as far as I can remember.” No matter what the parents want their kids to become, I guess this element of happiness will be in the agenda. How an important success it is to enable the kid to learn what happiness is through their own active involvement! How an important achievement it is to enable the kid to know how to pursue/create their own happiness!
Zheng: Your Buffet-Style Parenting is a new education concept to us. In your view, what are its differences from the so-called traditional instructional parenting style, in which the parents and the teachers instruct the kid with reference to their own life experiences, to prevent the kid from making their previous mistakes and following their previous meandering life paths?
Ho: This is a question on the roles of the parents. In the traditional instructional parenting style, the parent is the expert, making decisions on behalf of the kid. In the Buffet-Style Parenting method, the parent is the advisor, suggesting angles to approach the event, ways to design possible solutions, criteria to choose which solution to take and yardsticks to measure how well the mission is complete. Kids need experience to learn and parents are advised to let them make some “mistakes?when these mistakes are not really that serious. They will receive life-long benefits from them.
Zheng: In your view, what are unique in your Move-to-Learn Camp, compared to other summer camps like memory training camps, outdoor training camps and success stimulation camps?
Ho: First is the method, whether it is based on instructions handed down from the teacher or on active devise originated from the kid. This has been dealt with above and will not be repeated here. Second is the purpose, whether it is to provide a ready-made solution or a method to devise their own solution. In this ever-changing world, which parent knows for sure that their plan for and trainings to their kid will still be the best (or even valid and viable) when the kid becomes an adult? Parents please consider this option, that the best teaching you can offer to your kid is about the process (to train and equip them with an open and happy heart to continuously and actively learn throughout their whole course of life), not the content (about any particular skill nor decision that you believe will be best for them). In my opinion, what a parent can do to seriously shatter the future lives of their sons and daughters when they are still kids is to destroy their interests in learning. The reverse is also true. What a parent can do to seriously facilitate the future lives of their sons and daughters when they are still kids is to grow their interests in learning. Parents please remember your ultimate goals in parenting your kids.
Zheng: Is there any limitations in the implementation of the Buffet-Style Parenting?
Ho: First, all methods have their limitations. I must make myself crystal clear that we must not always use this Buffet-Style Parenting method. During extreme situations where life is threatened or psychological trauma is imminent, there is no time for the parents to do counseling and for the kids to think and learn. Just make the decision right away and solve the safety and security issues. However, when this is out of the question, let the kid learn through actions and practices. Second, parents would need some relevant training on the topic to be able to practice it in a balanced and thorough way.
