Give Factual Feedbacks to Kids

Huang Jin Kun (Shenzhen, China)
September 6, 2011

In the scorching heat of high summer in mid-August 2011, I came to Fuzhou as a coach in the Move to Learn Camp organized by Sheyu Educational Services Ltd. This activity was designed by Conrad Ho from Hongkong. It had been held in Mainland China for four times already, and I had the honour to be a coach for 3 years in a row.

This camp had a lot of important principles in its design. To me, the most unique one that set it apart from other summer camps was to facilitate kids to live out their authentic selves. To realize this, the coaches were required to be authentic themselves, and gave kids factual feedbacks. These were excellent learning opportunities, to kids and coaches alike.

I clearly remembered the scene when Conrad talked about this requirement in the pre-camp coach orientation program in the camp last year. My mind was struck blank when I heard that we had to give only objective, factual affirmations. Then, to me, “affirmations” were praises, like “you’re doing fine”, “just great”, “you’re adorable” or “you’re awesome”. These were what I used to affirm.

What Conrad was requiring rocked my beliefs to the foundation. It was “simple”: just factually described what you had observed as a feedback; used less praises, which were likely to give kids an inflated rather than realistic self-image. Too many “you’re great” without accompanying factual descriptions of their actual performance would mislead the kids to believe that they were really good. When they found out that reality was not like that in their adulthood, harm might have already been done.

I would customarily and actively support those kids in setbacks. This kind of behaviour was not encouraged, too, in the camp. The kids “fell” and it did hurt a lot. But if we told them “it’s nothing!”, we were telling them to ignore their pain. That would eventually separate them from their feelings. How many “successful” people died young? Their bodies should have signaled them early on, but being taught to be “tough” led them to not receive the messages, till the body crashed at last.

The recommended way in the camp was to let the kids ample time and opportunity to feel the frustration in failures thoroughly, learn from it before making the decision to move on. To me as a coach, the most difficult part was to hold the space for the kids to be “down” and did nothing to interfere with their processes. I recalled the first time I was a coach in the camp. When the kids under my guidance were down, I could not cope with it. I had to “stand tall” and be high again, as a model.

Yes! They did rise to their feet at once in response. However, next time they lost, they were down again. Nothing had been changed. I did not notice this then. But this year, I was older and wiser. I could see that those kids in my earlier years as a coach did not learn much because of that.

This year, while I heard Conrad talk about it again, I was really listening intently. I was clear in my mind. I would factually describe to my kids of their performance, about what they had done great and what they could do even better.

In these five days, I was laid back at the surface, seldom intervening in the kids’ activities. In fact, I was observing keenly, and giving feedbacks on the spot as much as possible. In so doing, I discovered something new.

In the beginning of the camp, the kids in my group had a common trait ¡V most of them would say they had made no progress at the end of the day during the sharing session in which each was invited to talk about their progress of the day. After I had repeatedly asked specifically of what improvements they had attained during the whole time between 09:00 in the morning to 18:00 in the evening, they would squeeze out a little bit of opinion in a reserved mood to “test the waters”. I would affirm by describing factually their improvements, they would still doubt it. As the camp progressed, I would also ask others to speak of their observations of others’ improvements. Still, the kids would give a facial expression of disbelief. Some would even dispute it by challenging, “that is an improvement?” I would solidly tell them a minor improvement was still an improvement and their usual response was simply, “there’s no improvement.”

The kids in my group varied from 9 to nearly 14, who was close to or already into puberty, in which they would shape their future lives. In this stage, if they were not clear on what level or in what state they were, how they could shape their selves? In the second day into the camp, they lost in a competition. The kids were in a bad mood. I told them that I saw them putting in efforts and doing great in the process. “What made you lose?” They said, “We had breached some rule.” “Why?” “We did not listen clearly when the rules were explained.” “What did you learn then?” “Listen carefully.” Therefore, in the following games, when the rules were explained, they were really listening. And they had not lost due to rule breaching again.