Discover the Child’s Current Situation and Progresses

Amy Choi, Nov. 23, 2015

“Hi! Mr. Ho.” The eighteen-year-old who was coming into the casework room was a skinny and fair girl. With a timid posture and speaking particularly softly, she looked smaller than her height of 165 cm. It was difficult to see her eyes because she was wearing a pair of thick, black spectacles. As her one leg was sneaking into the room, her other leg seemingly was getting away! According to the description of her mom, she was too slow in completing homework, with too little self-confidence to hear and accept any criticism as well as too minute progress being made despite of all kinds of methods being used. Before meeting her, Conrad suspect she was either hyperactive or autistic. However, apart from quite quiet and too polite, she had no observable “problem” to me upon meeting her in person.

In the casual conversation that followed, she was fluent in her speech and quick in her thoughts. There were eye contacts and she constantly worn a smile, without the concern of exhibiting her teeth that were not too neat. Not a clue what to do, I asked her direct. “I want to write faster.” Well! That was straight-forward. I told her to take out one of her textbooks, randomly flip to a certain page, and started to copy as fast as possible while still keeping her writings readable. After one minute, she had written 42 words. Not bad at all! In fact, she was quite fast compared to my other clients. I was puzzled. Biting her lips, she insisted that this was slow. Okay! That’s a clue.

I asked why she wanted to write faster. With round eyes and open mouth, she paused quite a while before giving this answer: “First, I was told I was too slow in doing things since I was small. Second, I really wanted my results in school and public examinations to be better still.” I would not let her go so easily: “What so good about doing things faster? What so good about better academic results?” Another long pause with round eyes and open mouth. No answer. I pursued further: “What interests do you have? What is your ideal job or career?” Still no answer.

As I waited for her response, I thought: what parenting style or method would produce such a child without self and independent thinking? My guess was too much and too fine care plus too high demands. The child was facing inadequate opportunities to have and enjoying too little satisfaction from having hands-on experiences. That was why they did not know what they would like to do and what the intentions were behind their parents’ demands. Growing up under this kind of “training”, the child would be avoiding pain rather than seeking joy in their behaviors. It was more probable for them to live a life that was dictated by the environment and not according to their own design.

After some careful discussions and reflections, she invited her mom to leave the casework room before making her independent decision about the balancing goal: “I am myself.” The balancing procedures were done like a breeze after the goal was set. Before, the girl looked tense and withdrawn into herself, giving me an association of a thin pillar. After the balance, she was open to reveal herself. The relaxed smile was an obvious evidence of her change. Once again, the copying test was done. It was 55 words in a minute, a good progress in my eyes, but she felt just a little bit of joy. She expressly stated that she was not so satisfied.

Mom was back in the room, barely noticing the changes in her child and making no comment on the accelerated writing speed. Mom just kept on describing her child’s slow speed in doing things, too slow to satisfy her dad but she herself had ceased to demand her child. What was illuminating was that before I got off work that day, mom sent me a text that she could not wait to see the results from the session. I was puzzled for a brief moment. Had she not observed the change in her daughter’s behaviors? Had she not seen the acceleration of her daughter’s writing speed? But soon, after further thoughts, I felt relieved. A mom who could not see progresses in her daughter would produce a daughter with little confidence in and harsh demands to herself. It was reasonable, right?

I replied her text enquiry by saying that “instead of finding someone to help your daughter become better, it is better for you to discover your daughter’s current situation and progresses. When you begin to discover more, your daughter will begin to become better.”