Experience and Feeling in Balancing (First Half)

A female student in Mainland China. August, 2014

The problems that had been troubling my son and us were:1) rhinitis; 2) mild constipation plus many times of defecation every day; 3) difficulty in falling asleep (requiring someone to sleep with him); 4) easily tired; 5) difficulty in learning; 6¡^feeling tensed; 7¡^inability to express oneself clearly; 8) lacking agility in movement (This point was expressed by my son himself.). When I finished listing out the problems, I suddenly realised that I had to tell Conrad Ho what my son had experienced while coming to this world. So, I slowly recalled my long-buried memories.

Before having this child, I had two abortions since I was not ready. My son was born two weeks too early. The amniotic fluid suddenly bursted out. He and I had struggled painfully for more than 30 hours before he came into this world. The crucial fact was that during the delivery process, I lost consciousness for more than 8 hours since I was given anaesthetic. My child came to this world on his own strength and effort.

Since birth, my son never slept in the daytime. This was most annoying to his kindergarten teachers. He only slept for 8 to 9 hours a day, with frequent defecations daily. After he had turned 5 or 6 months old, his bowel movements became more ¡§normal¡¨, down to 2-3 times a day.

As first-time parents, my husband and I had caused him much separation trauma since we were busy earning a living and were constraint in many ways. When he was 1 year and 9 months old, we took him by train to his grandmother who lived away from us. During the 4 months of separation, I had to sneak away after each visit, leaving in his mind indelible fear and pain. Though we brought him back when he was 2, the separation from grandma and grandpa had again hurt him. After he had come back to live with us, we did not give him sufficient sense of security either. Since we had to work and there was nobody to look after him, we sent him to a nursery when he was a little bit older than 2. On the way to the nursery, he would cling onto me tightly. Upon arrival, he would cry bitterly. Though he stopped crying at the nursery subsequently, he would express freely his fear and sadness during deep sleep in the middle of the night. We did not know what to do with him and would eventually got very furious. Looking back, I could see that we were very cruel parents, indeed. My son was once very lively and lovely, but eventually became very cautious. We had no idea what the reasons were and thought maybe he lacked training. So, when he was 3, we were again so cruel as to send him to a closed summer camp. When my son phoned home, he cried in tears,”Mum and dad, please could you come to visit me? Even once would be good enough.” Still, we insisted that we had done the right thing, thinking that he would be alright after the training. But he was not. After he came back, again in the middle of the night during deep sleep, he cried his heart out to express his anger of not being understood and fear for being abandoned. During school holidays, he was sent to stay in different places. It could be said that he led a “nomadic” life when he was young. This was so cruel to a young child.

When I was describing all these, I was surprised to note I did not have any emotion, like I was telling someone else’s story. But when I collected my thoughts to write about the balancing process, I bursted into tears. I felt so guilty.

After listening to my story, Conrad said all the problems were just manifestations; the root lied in what the child had experienced in his upbringing. Looking back, it was no surprise that he had all these ¡§problems¡¨. Under such circumstances, it was natural for him to behave in those ways. He had already done his best.

At the start of the balancing process, Conrad asked my son to write down his name and asked if he felt anything in the process. My son replied that he did not feel anything. Conrad asked him to recall the process while he performed a muscle check on him. It was an unlocked response. During the whole time, I watched Conrad doing checks on my son and talking to him just like an outsider, without much feeling. But then, Conrad asked me to assume the posture of giving birth to my child. Once on the floor and legs spread, I dashed back in memory to that night 15 years ago. It was raining cats and dogs outside, with lightning and thunders. I was lying on the delivery bed by myself. Pain, helplessness and fear soon overcome me. I was given anaesthetic and my consciousness slipped away slowly. Conrad asked me how I felt at that time. I remembered I was in pain and was very scared. I was yelling,”I do not want to give birth any more.” I even regretted that I got pregnant.

Conrad guided me to imagine: if I had known that such thoughts would lead to such consequences, would I wish to change to some other thoughts? I lay on the ground, thinking hard for a long time. No answer. Again and again, Conrad prompted me to think and feel. Finally, a sentence popped up in my mind: “I enjoyed the delivery process happily.” Conrad asked,”What about your son?” After thinking hard, the goals were set: 1) I enjoyed the delivery process happily; 2) I welcomed the arrival of my son happily.

The moment I had set the goals, my mind was suddenly calm, not holding onto the physical pain brought about by delivery anymore. I began to search for my son. Where was he in the moment? How was he? Conrad told my son that his mother had been given anaesthetic, and could not help him. He had to come into this world on his own strength. Conrad told my son that as a baby, he had to use his head to get out of the womb and birth canal slowly and painfully. Hearing this, I was touched deep down inside and my heart ached for my child… (to be continued)