Actively Learning to Be Bold
by Conrad Ho
Yat, my eldest son, has been relatively shy since he was small. He was seldom relaxed talking with strangers, including those who were definitely friendly. When he bumped into the parents of his classmates in his school, even while with us, he would mostly choose to be silent. Just a nod and the communication would end. One day in the year of his primary two, I pulled him into a corner and asked softly if this was a problem to him; and he said it was. I followed through and asked how he would like to solve it. He said he would need one year. Within the year of his primary three, he would learn to stand tall and face boldly all sorts of social encounters.
July 2009 would be the end of his primary three. Up till March 2009, Yat only had minor achievements. He could call out for the bill in a restaurant, but would not dare to ask for directions on the street. I was a bit worried and I asked him how he felt: if he had any progresses; in what aspects he would like to have further progresses; how he planned to realize such progresses. I had confronted him as if he were an adult, and had pushed him into a corner. Therefore, he just said he did not know. In fact, he was only 9. His brain had just entered the developmental stage of growing his forebrain. He was only beginning to be able to devise detailed action plans in time and space in pursuit of a specific selected goal.
At that time, I was really upset, scolding him for broken promises, unfulfilled commitments, unsatisfactory performances and untimely deliveries. We parents all had such experiences. When the parents were upset, the kids were driven to be upset, too! The likely result maybe the kid would overturn the negotiation table and no more cooperation. Yat then said, “I know how to change! Further questions would mean nothing. I am a shy person!” Shyness became a part in him, a good excuse to explain why he had not yet learnt to be bold. If the parent continues to argue, no matter who wins and who loses, the ultimate result will be that the kid is driven to harden his stand, solidify his excuse not to change, or even develop further down the road to the wrong direction. Eventually, the parents do not have his expected end result, or maybe even wrong result.
I was able to cool down fast when I heard him say that. I knew more meant less in such circumstances. Therefore, I just put out some encouraging remarks and let both of us has the chance to step backwards. Anyway, soon afterwards, I discovered that Yat had actually been spending efforts in this regard. A television show openly sought for little scientific wits to solve daily life problems. The candidate had to upload his video-taped demonstration to the website of the show.
Yat liked to watch this TV show very much. Upon knowing this quest, he started his own research and collection for such wits. Soon, he found the wonderful and alternative use of orange peel. He made appointment with me, my videocam and the training room of our company one Saturday and told me to buy some oranges that morning. Before the shot, I prepared the orange peels and drew two lines on the white board, one from a permanent marker and the other from a white-board marker. When everything was ready, Yat went in front of the videocam and I started shooting. To my surprise, Yat calmly and fluently delivered his speech: how to squeeze the juice from the peels onto the line made by the permanent marker and how to wipe it clean and clear by a piece of tissue paper.
This incident was only very simple and straight-forward, but it plunged me into deep thoughts. In these two-three years, I tried everything, from high-pressure demands to soft pledges to repeated lectures. Yat only had progresses measured in millimeters. This time, out of his own interest, choice and action, he dared to expose himself, possibly to hundreds of thousands of people. His speech was stuck in one or two places, but overall, his delivery was clear and precise. This is active learning, so natural and flowing!
The so-called “obstacles”, like being shy, will become just an effortless process, a section on the road to the goal, when enough motivation and self-decision are present. So, if that is the road, let it be and let us go ahead.
