Saving Face May Have Cost Your Child His Confidence

Her son was 18. He got a passing grade for all subjects in the Hong Kong Advanced Level Public Examination, but no credits at all. No hope for entering any local universities basically. She did not console nor suggest alternatives, but kept blaming her son for his disorganization, disorientation and carelessness.

Conrad had been following this teenager for over a year. His reading speed had apparently risen a lot; his eyes were no longer easily tired; his listening was much sharper. But, all these had not been translated into academic improvements. Conrad had always wondered: “What had stopped him from expressing himself fully?”

Then, early this year, when he discussed this case with the mother, he heard an astonishing story. When the son was 5 years old, she bathed him one morning. Out of nowhere, the son made a mess and cried out loud. She was furious and just walked away. The son was left naked the whole day as he cried on intermittently till his voice went coarse. This mother, when telling this story, became high-spirited, even a bit happy, because: “A little boy fought against me? Sure loss!”

Every act of a child has an intention. The adult can guide only if he observes it. This mother saw her interactions with her son as competition and felt the need to win. Conrad could imagine how this young man was forced to fight against his mom for 18 years in a sure-loss situation. With a big heap of failure experiences on his heart, no wonder he deserted himself.
At the time, Conrad could not help but told her his opinion in a rather harsh tone. She being in her fighting mentality, the words probably did not sink in. Her interaction pattern with her son continued.

Conrad wishes this is only an isolated extreme case. Nevertheless, ordinary parents in their daily dealings with their kids, may use this competition model to interpret the challenging behaviours of their children every now and then. When parents do that, they may “save face”, but may cost their children their confidence. 

“This drawing was done by the teenager. The theme was “my origin”. One might see from it how shattered and disorganized his inner world was.”