Feelings Gathered from the Balancing Retreat

Xu Bing(Beijing)
September 18, 2013

In the five days of Balancing Retreat recently held in Beijing, my body and mind experienced a journey long and short at the same time. From seemingly easy and light games emerged deep stuffs in life which changed and transformed in the process.

In this experience, I could feel my life starting to complete itself. I was so glad, deeply grateful to all those parts of mine which had “left” and “come back”. They would stay on this time, I knew, though I was not at all sure what had “come back”.

Thanks to Teacher Conrad! In his Balancing Retreat, I learnt what was life, love and authentic living.

Ni Er (Suzhou, China)
September 18, 2013
It was still several more weeks before class, and I was constantly feeling tired deep deep down, but sleepless for several nights in a row. The familiar pains in my bottom and legs from my spondylitis since teenage years had surfaced again. Seemingly, in its preparation, the body had automatically opened some “brain files” for adjustments, while my conscious was still unaware of what were coming.

In these five days of workshop, I could see how fellow senior students were noticing in detail bodily reactions and emotional changes. Sometimes, when I looked back on my own physical changes, the body was just like a magician! Killing pain might popped up suddenly; but after you had received the message behind, it would go away immediately. The key was multiple perspectives – while you were perceiving the subject as a problem, you also see it as a resource at the same time. This was something to be learnt! Teacher Conrad said, “Talk in whole-system language (Editor’s note: language that will prompt the whole system with all its parts into operation mode.) – spend the same amount of time on perceiving something as a problem as well as a resource, if not more.

During the class, I confronted a lot of my old patterns which sent me into shocks. Under such modes of operation, though my conscious had decided to live a wonderful life, I did not have whole-system support to materialize it. The conscious decision would only remain as a conscious decision. Each day, I submerged myself in each of the casework balances of other students. Nearly all of them had touched me. Despite my poor (improving) noticing skills, I had already felt a lot.

When I was endlessly talking about my problems one after the other, Conrad would ask, “So what? What do you want? How are you going to deal with it? You can talk even more of your problems, but these are only details, fragments. What is the theme behind all of them? All you need is just a new decision!”

Back at my home town right after the workshop, no matter it was resting at home or working at school, my body was tired inside out. It was not just a reminder of my desperate need for rest, but also for continued self-noticing in my daily life activities. Ten days after class, my body was markedly relaxed, with deep sleep at night. I was calm and settled, beginning to have expressions and connections with my husband, which was comforting. I was also much more relaxed in my parenting my son.

I know there is still much to be learnt. Time is needed to establish a new equilibrium. In the meantime, let me cultivate my willingness to enjoy whatever that comes. No matter what, I am grateful.