Woman Lost : In Search of Myself

Carol Lu, (Shenzhen, China)
April, 2011

I have been incomplete for many years. Just that I was not aware of it. Like a broken necklace; all the pearls having fallen off. Maybe I could find them all back, when lucky; if not, all that is left behind will be the necklace string only. The body is an empty shell without the soul.

Should I live till 90s, I have already spent one third of my life, casually, day by day. The appreciative would say I was chic. Those not would also say something, but I could not care less. No time to be wasted on others’ eyeing or saying.

At first, I thought I was straight-forward, self-confident, being able to choose not to see and hear. As time goes by, I can feel my body weakening, like a grindstone in constant use. At the same time, gradually, my feelings have become blurry. So, I just explained away the problem: I am older; I am a woman having given birth; parenting a son is taxing. My fragile body can be a pain. When I was younger, I could take it easily. By these days, I may sometimes have to hold onto a table in order just to stand up. My muscles and ligaments are somehow stiff.

Having walked on Earth through all these years, I have collected a little bit of wisdom as a human. In living it, however, it is not working. “Well! Those goodies are beyond my grasp.” I used to muddle through like that. And I have realized, all I have fooled is only myself.

One day in February 2011, I joined the “Basic Life Skills – Meridian Balances” workshop. It was the first session on balancing the Governing Vessel and Central Meridian. I got so much benefits out of it. It was that day when I was suddenly aware of my physical fragility; that I was rootless, like a floating duckweed; that I was a fool.

I have been in many personal growth classes; read many books; sweared many slogans; done many rituals. My conscious has accepted many things, but not the body. I do not understand. What attachments the body has kept which has stopped it from moving on? After that first session of Meridian Balances, I often slipped into memories, about bits and pieces in my personal growth process. Sadly, I discovered that a grown-up I have become, but not into a complete person. (I really wanted to shout some curses at this point!)

Psychologists use this word to describe the consequence of some tragic events, the “trauma”. Humans are pathetic, due to greed, because greed leads todissatisfaction. From dissatisfaction grows trauma.

When I looked back on my life, I found out another phenomenon. Seems like at the scene of each piece of memory stand an “I”, not wanting to go on.

(1) I was separated from my parents at 2.5 years of age, and re-united with them after 3 long years. Very traumatic. When I heard my aunt described my reactions then, I was like yesterday to me. “At first, you would cry out in the middle of the night for mom.” And “your elder sister told you it was dark already. No bus back home. And you insisted to ride a bike back.” I recalled vividly this scene; the sounds, the lights, everything. Mom sent me to kindergarten in the first school-day. Right in the moment she turned her back, I cried wildly, fearing I was abandoned again.

(2) I fell into a river during winter at 3. Nobody was around and I was able to crawl back onshore. Lucky but certainly traumatic.

(3) My academic performance in mathematics worsening by each class session. The huge red marks on my report made me sweat. In the music lesson, fellow classmates learnt to sing new songs fast. I had to hear many times before I could mutter anything. At the same time, I did not recognize the words on paper. It’s better to be in a choir. None was aware of me. My mom did not prepare me a sports suit beforehand. When it’s time for physical education, I just took off my dress. Everybody was laughing at me, though most of them were also in their underwear. Just that my underpants was triangular. My strict mom would wake me up in the middle of the night when she found I had left some homework unfinished. That was torturing. From primary two till secondary one, I had to vomit in class once in each year. It’s become a ritual for me. After school, when I walked back home under some trees, birds would shit on my head. Repeating a grade year was gruesome, and so was the school-master’s scolding.

(4) My old cat at home was poisoned to death. My elder brother and I were so sad. When my dog, Yellow Soldier, in its middle-age years caught rabies and died, it was another heavy blow to me.

(5) My elder brother sent away the precious stamps Mom had been collecting all these years as gifts to his buddies. Mom had beaten half of his soul out of his body. I was so afraid as a on-looker. I made a mistake. Mom made me kneeled outside the main door of our house, with neighbours watching and smiling, saying comforting words that they didn’t mean. And Mom and Dad fought fiercely sometimes.

(6) Maturing brought my first period. It was so frightening as I watched myself bleeding, seemingly non-stop to death.

(7) Each time I had romantic love affair, either myself or the man would be hurt badly. It was more like a war. When the boy I secretly admired courted another girl, it felt bad, too!

(8) I was unlucky to bump into quite a few exhibitionists; and was lucky they only meant to show off their bodies. No further action was intended. And I was sexually harassed for n times, on public buses, on the way to work, by bosses after drinking, by friends of friends after drinking, by clients.

(9) Sustained losses by pick-pockets.

(10) Being asked by bosses to write a statement of confession; the employer having gone bankrupt; being scolded by clients.

(11) Quarrels in supermarkets; disputes in scrambling for a taxi in peak hours.

(12) Breaking up with good friends.

(13) Serious sicknesses.

In events big and small, there is an “I” staying back. The emotions can be fears, dismay, shame, grief, anger. I have found these “I’s”, bits and pieces of my essence from my body. I have become the hollow trunk of a bug-infested tree. No wonder I lack strength, like leaves trembling in strong winds. That is the consequence and the cause was the body not wanting to move on. Parts of my spirit was stuck in pot-holes on my road of personal growth, unable to stand up again.

Oh! I am evoking my “spirit’s” back. “Come back, my I’s out there. Come back to me! Perhaps my road ahead is still bumpy, but I am getting stronger and firmer. It’s time to be one again!” Without these I’s, I am not complete.

And so, I am starting another important balancing process. My goal is “I live my life as a whole.”