Ten Years of Entanglement Resolved in One Balance – My Noticing from Beijing Balancing Retreat

Piao, Suping (Dalian, China)
November, 2010

I could think of no rational reason at all; just the longing to be there in the balancing retreat held in October 2010 in Beijing. When I received the leaflet from Ms. Zheng Hua the sponsor, I grabbed the opportunity. On the way there in a night train, I woke up in a serious headache, which accompanied me into the retreat, where I learnt of the theme this time being “Self Independence”. So, in my ignorance, I started my retreat.

In the first day, after watching two casework balances by Conrad Ho and receiving fresh stimulations, I realized what goal to set during the practicing time when students balanced each other. Xiao Yue, a pretty lady, had used concise little statements to lead me to reflect deeply on my problem of finding the balance between work and passion. To my surprise, just these reflections had done the balancing trick. The muscle response turned to become “locked”. My headache was also gone.

Since there was still time, Conrad told me to do another balance, the theme of which was around my allergic rhinitis. The process of crystallizing the goal statement was not as simple and fast this time. Despite my avoidance and due to Xiao Yue’s insistence, I eventually focused on the area of my love affairs. This goal seemed to be not too important but it had been my “forbidden zone” for long. My blocked nose woke me up in the middle of that night. It had never been that bad. I got diarrhea, too! These kept me awake for quite some time. In the morning, things become normal miraculously. No more running nose. Felt great!

In the opening circle in the second day, I reported my body responses. Conrad reminded me: “Are the female parts of you bearing too much?” The casework balances that day were like mirrors. Through them, I saw my “chains”; felt the complicated emotions during the process of dismantling them; experienced the joy of facing them with a heart in a game. During the time of practice, the thought of “living life with a partner is more preferable to living alone” quietly surfaced. This overturned what I had been stating overtly. Verbal proclamations could be very different from what were truly from the heart. Following the heart was such a relief.

In the opening circle in the third day, Conrad talked about my being stiff as a rock, and reminded me: “Why do I fall to the ground so often while playing games?” In the following casework balances, I saw in others my own stiffness, non-compromising attitudes and forever-hardened stand further.

I found my eyes and face swollen in the fourth day after arising. In the opening circle, I talked about my tendency to close my eyes. Conrad probed into it: “What are the things you do not want to see?” I said, “Nothing!” Conrad fetched me a mirror and muscle-checked me while I was looking at myself and said “I am a woman”. The response was “unlocked”. When I said “I am a man”, it was a “locked” response. In a split second, I realized my problem and knew what goals to set: (1) be a tender-loving woman; (2) treat my boyfriend in a tolerant manner; (3) treat myself in a tolerant manner. I thanked Ms. Sun Li who balanced me. During the process, she helped me discover my 37 different points of view on my “issue” of being a woman. No wonder I was often confused, overwhelmed and feeling heavy. Knowing the source of the problem was half way away from solving it. After the balance, I was able to decide to take a “consensus” viewpoint on my female identity.

My own casework balance by Conrad came in the fifth and last day. The goal was crystal-clear in my mind: (1) I am balanced in my left and right sides of my body; (2) I am an authentic woman. I thanked Conrad for understanding my uniqueness. The balancing process allowed me to think, experience and discover the key to the solution. My intention was changed in a blink. Three new decisions were made known to all parts in my system: (1) I allow myself to choose to leave those men I do not like as opposed to pushing them away; (2) I befriend men rather than fighting them; and (3) I see men as partners instead of tools. At the same time, the feelings of being wronged and sadness surfaced from the bottom of my heart. I cried out loud. Afterwards, it felt so clear, firm and relaxed.

Before I left the balancing retreat, I happily proclaimed to all that my allergic rhinitis was gone. No more running nose. I experienced the matter, energy and information in my system; how my body, emotions and beliefs are intertwined. My comments of the balancing retreat: wonderful and worthwhile.

Back in my busy life, my love life had undergone a dramatic change: I had whole-heartedly accepted a man who had been loving me and waiting for my love for 10 years; no more worries, no more hesitations. He was overjoyed; I was settled. It was all because I yielded to the guidance from my heart. He was really a good life partner. I was enjoying the joy of being a woman.

Ten years of entanglement ended in one balance. All the things I got from this balancing retreat will affect every part of my life in all sorts of beneficial ways. I have decided to join the next balancing retreat in half a year.